About this blog

This is a window into the weird world of Anglicanism, as experienced on a Cathedral Close. Has anything much happened since Trollope's Barchester Chronicles? You will still see the 'canon in residence' hurrying across to choral Evensong, robes flapping, as the late bell chimes. But look carefully and you will notice he is checking the football score on his iPhone as he runs. This is also a writer's blog. It charts the agony and ecstasy of the novelist's life. And it's a fighter's blog. It charts the agony and ecstasy of the judo mat. Well, the agony, anyway.

Thursday 10 March 2011

Dukan Diet Update

From Krispy Kreme donuts and from all the deceits of the world, the flesh and the devil, Good Lord, deliver us.

That's part of the Dukan Litany. Those of us following this regime have temporarily renounced all empty carbohydrates and fats. The first stage is very strict. Pure protein, as near as dammit. After a day of this your body shouts, 'What?! No carbs? Are you MAD? What do you expect me to do here--metabolise my own fat?' The answer of course is, Yes. That's exactly what I expect. After two days you start foraging for pizza crusts in your teenage son's bedroom. Fortunately the horror is mitagated by astonishing weight loss (see earlier post).

But then comes the second stage of the regime, which is less rigorous and involves some vegetables. (Sneer from your sofa through mouthfuls of lard pasty, I don't care.) Hoorah for vegetables. Weight loss slows, but hold your nerve: the underlying trend is still downwards. I have now lost 13lb. This is the kind of weight loss normally only associated with accidentally leaning on the corner of the sink whilst standing on the scales. Or losing part of a limb in farm machinery.

And shimmering on the horizon is the next stage, which holds out the promise of 'celebration meals'... But I am getting ahead of myself. I have also forgotten to mention that exercise is a crucial part of Dukan. You are supposed to walk for 25mins a day. Here again Dukan reveals himself as a Frenchman. 'Ordinary shoes, even ladies' heels are fine for everyday walking to lose weight'. This book is aimed at Parisiennes, not big lasses in the West Midlands, isn't it? Dukan has no truck with the kind of exercise I enjoy, running, fighting and the like. No, walking is preferred for several reasons. '[It] does not make you sweat unduly... There is no need for any sports gear, showering or change of clothes.'

It is his firm opinion that at the outset of his diet, we should 'avoid hard physical exercise [and] competitive sport.' Phooey, I thought. I carried on as usual, jogging, doing judo and karate. And got 3 migraines in as many weeks. Could it be that the good doctor is right? Or could it be that spawn of Satan acesulfame k, the artificial sweetener found in all the fat-free yogurts I've been eating? I knew about aspartame, but this was a new one to me.

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